B.i.T.T.e.R memories...

3 thn lepas..tarikh yg same..aku tgh sibuk utk majlis pertunangan aku..still remember the smell of fresh paint, bunga rampai, potpouri etc..now..it's all behind now..it is the biggest mistake i made so far..

Lepas bertunang..i started to plan for the big day..Subscribed magazine pengantin..plan to go to Jakarta nk order kad kawin & door gifts..mama went back to Kuala and told me she found the ‘tekad’ set for my bilik pengantin & ‘chor’ for the akad nikah.. i wanted a wedding yg penuh ngan adat2 melayu..sbb aku rase..during this event jelah..kite still lagi pakai adat2 kite..

It is all behind now... I admit..i have my owm share of mistakes..but it didn’t change anything..there are times aku still trbgn tgh mlm..weeping & mengigil geram kerana marah & kecewa yg teramat sgt..i dun know when it will go away..i dun know how to make it go away..i am lost..i move on..but I’m not over it yet..not after 3 years..i stop flipping through wedding magazine or website..stop thinking about wedding..

Papa…I’m sorry..but ayin still ingat papa peluk ayin & tanye..ayin xmenyesal kan??ayin geleng & nangis…papa..not a single day of my life yg ayin menyesal..i’d rather have this emotional void rather than life full of lies, hipocracy & hatred..

Mama…I love you so much..ayin tau..mama sedih bile ayin call mama..& mama bgtau br balik wedding..ayin tau mama sedih bile tgk kwn2 & cousin2 yg same2 membesar ngan ayin dh kawin & ade anak..ayin tau mama sedih bile mama xpernah tanye psl bile ayin nak kawin sejak the last phone call yg ayin menangis & beg mama to stop asking me..i know it hurts you..i’m sorry ma..

Haniz…thank you for being there for me through it all..you help me a lot..my ups & downs..you always there..know what..eventhough aku tau I will go meroyan klo ko dh kawin but dun worry..we always have each other..right?? find ur love ok..u deserve to be happy...

Lastly to GAMBIT..I am sorry..I can’t afford for another heartbreak..Org xbole nak janji ape2 ngan awak..awak adalah my imaginary safety net..tp ape yg awak ckp 2 ari sblm org blk doha..org xboleh lupe..& few events after that buatkan org masih terasa..i know awak rase pelik since org blk sini..org bukan tetiba sensitive..tp i am protecting my heart..dulu..org lari smpai ke doha bawa hati..mana org nak lari lg klo untuk kali kedua??dun worry..org xletak ape2 harapan..Org tau awak pn xbole nk berjanji ape2 dgn org..biarlah masa & takdir yg menentukan segalanya..you are special to me in your own way..& arini..kita gaduh lg..carilah ape yg terbaik utk diri awak..

to my dear friends & family..thank you for the endless support..what I know now..i am happy..with who I am..what I am &where I am..enough said..so..stop asking question like..bila nk join the club??it’s annoying..Thank you for reading even though it is meaningless..