100 D.A.Y.S

11.40 p.m (4.40am Msia)..........

"Niz..."
"ayin, knape?wehh..ko knape?".
"Niz, sorry. Niz aku rindu papa niz. rindu dia sangat2. Arini dh 100 ari dh. I am so sorry. it hurts niz. sangat2!!"

Aku rindu dia. Aku rindu papa sangat2. Aku selalu menangis bile nk tdo tp xpernah smpai stage aku telefon haniz tgh2 mlm. Aku xleh nk lepas ape aku rase sbb tuh aku call die tgh2 mlm buta smlm. Aku kluar sepanjang hari with the girls semata-mata xmau sedih. Aku lupe sekejap. bile nk tdo, aku gatal bukak inbox aku sbb nak clearkan 700 msgs yg ade. came across sms haniz on that fateful day "Pa..nanti haniz grak blk kg. Pa tunggu kt kg." there u go. Another round of sadness. Aku nangis for hours sampai aku trtido. Aku nangis smpai kepala aku sakit. Aku nangis smpai hidung aku trsumbat & xleh breath ikut idung for an hour. Aku slalu mimpi papa. but i know, it's not him. It's my sub-conscious mind. In my dreams, aku akan peluk die & nangis2. EVERY SINGLE TIME!! Haniz ckp aku still xlet go. i just dun know how!!

Smua org rindu papa. Jaja smpai sakit2 rindu papa. Jaja sakit dada. Skolah call mama mase jaja kt hospital. Haniz brkejar amik jaja & bwk blk KL & trus ke IJN. alhamdullillah. false alarm. Doctor advice die kna amik blk aspirin yg die dh spatutnye stop.

Hari ni aku dtg office dgn kepala yg sgt berat & pening. Mata yg bengkak. Hati?? SEPI..Aku ade meeting kul 11. aku still x go through agenda. Aku ade tender evaluation tp aku still x go through in detail all the clarifications. Aku ade submission, tp aku still xprepare the documents. The only thing that keeps me going these days adalah kerja. keep me away from all the messy things in my head.

At home, mama nangis2 bgtau rumah yg direnovate xsiap & not as ape yg papa nak. Contractor buat taik. ape aku bole buat? my only answer "mama tunggu ayin blk eh.." i have 2 weeks vacation which won't be a vacation i dream of. One week for hari raya& one week for all the things yg perlukan decisions. Haniz dh fully occupied dgn mende2 yg dh over her head. too much for her.

Raya? meaningless for me. Try to cheer up. aritu beli handbag for raya, beli material konon nk tempah bj raya. Smlm nk beli kasut raya kt Massimo Dutti. Nasib baik xde size. Trying very hard to get the rhythm. But somehow. none. nada!! Money can't buy u happiness. Overrated? it is true fellas!! so TRUE!! Camne aku nk blk raya when the last time i met papa adalah mase raye thn lps. cmane aku nk blk raya when the last time we had our buffet buka puase kt sime darby and papa happily planned to have this year's buke puase at menara KL? cmana aku nk blk raya bile every time..every time pg raya aku tunggu die siap. sbb aku suke tgk die pakai baju melayu. tiap2 kali pg raya, ktrng akan gilir2 meng'adun' papa, aku suruh pakai butang baju melayu, mama bising suruh pakai samping yg matching. rehan suruh papa sikat rambut. jaja suruh papa pakai stocking & haniz?? die akan tanye papa. papa dh gosok gigi? haniz yg akan berjaya buat papa gelak.

Advice from a dear friend of mine..keep ur mind busy. yeah. how? work? sometimes aku rase aku take advantage of the situation. aku take advantage sbb dpt boss best gile. 1 hour report aku buat in 1 whole day. He is damn nice superior. Appreciate it?? xtau knape aku mcm xpaham je makne appreciation. After 2 months, br aku dpt blk rentak keja aku which sometimes fluctuate jugak!

Master?? malas!! with capital M!! my prof accreditation?? aku pn xtau when was the last time aku update my report. My love life? ape yg aku rancang dah x terancang & dah xmerancang. so, what's left?? i am the greatest actress. Daylight i am such a cheerful soul. disebalik tirai kamar?? erkkk?? aku jd depress cam org beranak meroyan. (lucky i still have those humor that entertain my empty soul..)

ok. there you go. i say it. I say it out loud. I say it all!!!!